Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Missed Opportunities of an Audiowhore

Maybe my timing is off, or maybe I'm not as brave as I like to say I am, but lately I feel like I am surrounded by missed opportunities. I don't really feel like going into the details of the boring job-related ones, or the near-misses of my academic life, so I'll just cut to the chase of my love life - or the lack there of. I know this will come as a surprise to you dear readers, as this has never happened to me before, but I have a crush on musician. I know, how lame. It's like I can't help but fall for their stupid nonchalance (even though I know deep down they are just as self-conscious and awkward as I am). Sigh.  

Anyway, my newest infatuation is with this guy:

No, not the one singing, though he's a totally nice guy, but the guitar player, Cody Votolato. (Isn't it always the guitar player?) How annoying. To make matters worse, he wears jewelry, which I hate on men about as much as I hate a goatee. This dude wears his necklace like we are still in 1996 Seattle (where he's from). I mostly ignore that part and look at the tattoos... 

So I've seen this guy in two different bands a couple of times here in DC. The first time was with Jaguar Love at The Black Cat back in 2008, and I was convinced he picked me out of the crowd because I swore he kept looking at me during the show. Yeah, I might have made that up in my head, but it was nice to believe at the time, because the dude I was with was not worth the look. It could be possible - the show was in the Backstage (which is tiny), there was a pretty dense crowd (it was sold out), and I was directly in his line of vision (standing on a little platform just above the headline of the people on the floor down front). It doesn't really matter if I made it up or not, because I thought he was cute then, and still do apparently. 

Proven by the next time he came through DC with Telekinesis in 2009 (again at The Black Cat Backstage), and then again a few weeks ago to The Red Palace. I even met him this time around. Sounds great, right? Wrong. For some reason, my dumb ass left H St NE nearly immediately after the show was over (and after shaking his and Bob Boilen's hand). I must have had my OCD panties in a wad about catching the bus home or something stupid. Whatever. The point is, I probably could have hung out with Telekinesis, and The Love Language too, but instead, I bolted like some jilted high school teenager too embarrassed to ask my crush to the prom. 

If I had hung out, I might have been able to shake not only his hand, but the now-consuming desire to make sure I get to see him again. Even if nothing had come of hanging out (aside from feeling like a huge dork), and I had left with my yearnings still un-satiated, I could have at least claimed to have tried. What a Missed Opportunity. I hope there is a next time, and when that comes along I grow a pair and say more than "you guys were awesome". 

What an Audiowhore.     

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Friends Come in All Shapes and Sizes...

And some come with a benefits package.

Back in the Fall I decided that I wanted a Fuck Buddy. I had the perfect guy in mind, - well, that just sounds wrong somehow "perfect guy" for this type of relationship, but anyway - someone I knew and trusted that I could have great, and safe, sex with. Someone I wasn't emotionally attached to, but could feel good about being with.  Someone who would most definitely give me an orgasm, spoon me afterwards, get me a glass of water in the middle of the night, and kiss me goodbye.

Things were good for a while, we were seeing each other frequently enough to keep our mutual sexual appetites satisfied, sometimes more than that.  You know, a classic Friend with Benefits situation. What every single, sexually active girl can hope for, right?

Well, then things took an unexpected turn. Pillow talk became less about the sex, and more about ourselves. We started becoming actual friends and started to care about each other outside of the bedroom. I even started to have expectations, even though I promised myself (and him, in fact), that the only thing I truly expected was clean sheets. How naive of me to think that my usually high rate of expectations wouldn't apply to someone I wasn't interested in truly dating, but was intimate with on a regular basis. Back a couple of years ago we tried to date, but it just didn't work out, and still wouldn't today. Somehow, despite all that history, he got under my skin. Against my better judgment, feelings developed. I suspect for him too, though he'll likely never admit it to me.

For instance, if a random memory of a naked embrace popped in my head, I literally got hot and bothered and would smile suddenly. I started to look forward to the guarantee of an orgasm if I saw him out. I started to assume we would spend the night together if we ran into each other. I started to roll my eyes at myself and say "shit" a lot when I realized this was happening.

I decided to take a break, because I realized that being my FB was not enough. But not because I want more out of him, but because I wanted more out of someone. I wanted all the rest of it. The dinners at home, the making out in the street, the back rubs, the showers any time of the day, you know, the stuff you get when you date someone. The stuff you're not sure your entitled to when you're just sleeping together. Not to mention, when your feelings start to get hurt, it's suddenly not so easy to ignore the red flags you tucked under the bed.

So, after careful consideration, I've decided to fire my Friend with Benefits. Try to go back to just being exes who are still friendly so it's not awkward when we see each other out, which we will. In essence, I'm breaking up with him.

How ridiculous is that? Stupid emotions, ruining a perfectly good Fuck Buddy. It's ok because now I can go back to just being single, and hope that I don't go too long without meeting a nice man who wants some expectations from me.