Sunday, August 29, 2010


Something is happening in my life. Something amazing and hopeful. I think I was submerged in an existential crisis but didn't know it, and somehow I am coming to other side of it completely empowered. For the first time in a long time, I am happy and filled with purpose. That sounds much worse after reading than I thought it would. Let me say this is not to suggest that I have been depressed, but I certainly was not myself. At least not the self I want to be, and today, I feel like I know who that might be.

Then, as if a sign, I opened my computer to begin to write this out, think it more fully through, I came across my horoscope for today. Monday, August 30. 

"You may be feeling a higher level of confidence about yourself 
and your goals. Even if you doubt your abilities, 
things should finally begin to turn around. 
Nevertheless, it can be difficult to reserve your judgment 
just enough to accept life as it is 
and other people just as they are. 
Still, once you choose to take the high road, 
you gain the gift of a truly empowering vision."

How crazy is that? 

Tracing back, it all began in the Spring. I started to discover that I was trying to create rules to follow to deal with things in my life and it wasn't working. I didn't feel at home anywhere and while I still know that this place will never truly be my "home", it is for now, and there is no changing that... so what the fuck was my problem? I was too focused on the negative. All I could think about was hatred. Of my job, my living situation, the commute to school for a program I was doubting, my so-called "fat" self, the drinking, the lack of exercise, the over-spending, christ! Turns out, all of that is completely unproductive. I won't dare suggest I don't still indulge in a lot of these habits, but I started to see the pattern and the damage they were both creating and causing.

Let's start with the ex. I wanted to just be over it, just like that, but I went about it all wrong. I fed off the attention I got from his sadness. What a horrible thing to admit, but it is true. I know that as much as I know anything. In addition, I'm pretty sure I contributed to some of the behavior unintentionally. In a quest for my own freedom, I encouraged impossibility. I dated frivolous men I knew there was no future with, took a spark and imagined it into a connection that had any kind of significance other than reminding me that I deserve the best (and that Sagittarius men are seriously not for me). I looked for answers everywhere on how to feel, what I want, who I am. Thankfully I ended up having a great time (and several very good orgasms). And to boot, I rediscovered what a good kisser can do for your smile. What a vacation can do for your psyche. What a good meal with good friends can do for the rest of your life. My life. 

And, well, that's what this is all about. My life. As I sit here, preparing to turn 29, to enter the last year of this kinda bullshit decade, I couldn't be happier. More ready to keep this going, this path to enlightenment. So, below I wrote out a list of the first 29 things that came to mind to help me make this next year everything it is looking to shape up into.

You're welcome to join me anytime.

1. Sleep more
2. Drink less
3. Be grateful
4. But don't ignore my black heart
5. Or it's pink lining...
6. Continue to say no when I know its the right thing
7. Encourage others to continue their own path, even if it doesn't make any sense to me
8. Be happy
9. Write more
10. Try something new all the time
11. Be open to love
12. Don't ever stop listening to music
13. Remember that just because it feels good doesn't always make it good for you
14. Continue this love affair with my bicycle
15. And Yoga
16. And boys!
17. Look for patience in myself because god knows I didn't get any from my family
18. Be proud
19. Put out what I want into the universe and pursue it
20. Compliment strangers and friends
21. Listen more
22. Finish Infinite Jest
23. Drink water
24. Don't confuse sassy with bitchy
25. Be a good person and friend
26. Laugh
27. Travel as much as I can
28. Accept that he's not the man for me and move on
29. And neither is he  


Thursday, August 5, 2010


Fill me up!
To the brim if you have to
(though its likely I'm already overflowing).

I want to be a balloon,
Tied tightly to a pack of my pretty peers, haplessly floating...
But somehow less full of hot air and more full of possibilities.

There couldn't have been any helium involved
I feel too deflated,
like I've been blown up by a little kid at a birthday party.

Deep sighs need not RSVP to this pity party
But I'll keep you on the list of "maybes" for the next one
because god they feel good sometimes.

In the meantime, let's expel some of that hot air -
I could stand to drop a little attitude,
maybe adopt a new altitude.

Try a new kind of high
One notch lower than my usual set
(But not enough to let any old gust or breeze slip in).